Conversations with Reapers
by Gemini1179
Summary: Just something I wrote while venting on the BioWare Social Network. I actually wanted to write something like this for a while so I might do a few more.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:  
><strong>_I was just venting in the BioWare Social Network this evening and this popped into my head when I thought about ME1, and the ME2 DLC Arrival and what it all meant. I might write a few more of these, I'm not sure._

* * *

><p><strong>Conversations with Reapers<strong>

**What REALLY happened in dark space:**

"So... when is this damn relay going to open back to the citadel, I'm getting hungry."

"You're _always_ hungry Bob."

"Well _Steve_, it has been 50 000 of the mean habital solar orbit times of a planet since we last reigned destruction upon the galaxy."

"Dude, be patient, Soverign has got our backs."

"That's what you said 50 of the mean habital solar orbit times ago."

"What was with that name anyway? Soverign? What was wrong with Chad?"

"The Chad was great."

"Will you three be quiet! Phil, I mean 'Harbinger' _*snicker*_... is sending us a message."

"...ZZzzzZZtt... go fuck up a planet called Earth... bzzztt"

"Huh?"

"That's it, I'm going to the Alpha relay."

"Chad still might get that citadel relay open."

"Well, it will take 2 of the mean habital solar orbit times to get to the Alpha relay, _OR _we can wait for Chad."

"..."

"Screw Chad, let's get this party started!"

"Woot!"

"Yeee haw!"

"Is that really your 'ride the bomb' pose?"

"...shut up."

"Alright, we're going to the Alpha relay, any questions?"

"Yeah. Can we keep the Asari?"

"Oh yeah."

"Definitely."

"Those girls know how to party."


	2. Chapter 2 Why Are We Doing This Again?

**A/N:** _So thanks to Mass Effect 3 I've been totally lost to the world of writing. Oh, and Rizzoli & Isles. Totally got sucked into that fandom and watched all 25 episodes in like a week. Angie Harmon would look good in a paper bag. My god that woman has some kind of awesome energy about her. But enough about that. I played the last nine hours of ME3 straight, I don't remember eating, drinking or even breathing for that matter. Until the end. I was stunned. And not the good kind of stunned that finds a smile working its way on to your face after a few seconds- no, it was the "WHAT THE FUCK" kind of stunned. The ending(s) (the plural being generous) were so completely impersonal I just could not figure out how they got by the play testers. I also had a number of issues with the endgame logic. Here is hopefully some fun with that. Seinfeld references abound. Oh and Frisky Dingo, my god, if you haven't watched that bit of insanity, you really must. Anyway, the Reapers Steve, Bob and Phil (Harbinger) are back..._

* * *

><p>Why Are We Doing This Again?<p>

"So, I just got word from the Boss- time to start murdering every advanced civilization in the galaxy."

***sigh*** "Again? Bob and I are in the middle of a serious game of RISK here. His Ukraine is vulnerable… weak."

"The Ukraine is not weak!"

"Oh? Perhaps it is because you've had to fall back to it. Perhaps you're grasping at straws. Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation."

"Maybe you should go with Phil and the rest. I'll stay here and make sure we don't lose any pieces."

"Hey! It's 'Harbinger', ok? Geeze I changed my name last cycle."

"Yeah, _Harbinger_ we know, you never let us forget."

"I still think Cecil took the best name."

"That's 'cause you're an idiot, Bob."

"Hey! My organic-goo/sugar levels are low… and 'Killface' IS a cool name, you have to admit."

"Whatever. You guys can have your nicknames. Steve is the name my collective consciousness came up with and we're sticking to it."

"Pride is a fool's fortress Steve."

"Shut up _Phil_."

***multiple glowing red 'eyes' narrow***

"So anyway, we gonna do this or what? The Boss says this cycle might actually complete the device."

"Really? Good for them… although, I suppose if they do, we might be in trouble- and I haven't eaten since the last cycle!"

"Always thinking with your stomach Bob, at least you're predictable."

"Like the organics."

***snicker*** "Yeah. Alright Phi- er, _Harbinger_, let's go kill all the organics so that they don't run the risk of creating synthetics that will kill them all…"

"This will totally hurt them. Hehe… no one?"

***crickets***

"Oh come on, I was totally busting that out on Shepard and making her all jittery."

"Didn't she like, kill EVERY avatar you used AND the entire Collector base?"

"At least ONE of us was trying to make a Human Reaper, Steve, before we wiped them out."

"Ok guys, let's not get into this again, but… I have just one small question, well, more like a bit of logic that I'm trying to understand and maybe you guys can help me…"

***sigh*** "Yes Bob?"

"Well… it's just that, um, the Boss, the Boss says he created us, you know super-massive and powerful synthetics…"

"Uh huh…"

"Go on…"

"Right, so we're these super powerful synthetic machines and we like, totally come in and bust up the houses of the advanced organics every cycle…"

"And get all in their grills- what of it?"

"…and we do it 'cause the Boss says that it prevents organics from creating synthetics…"

"That they won't be able to control, we know."

"But we kill the organics to prevent them from creating synthetics that will kill them. WE'RE synthetics. We kill the organics."

"Well…"

"TECHNICALLY, we harvest them."

"By turning them into goo that fuels our form?"

"Yeah, so you see, they're never really dead."

"Steve, Phil, sorry _Harbinger_, I may not be the smartest Reaper out here-"

"On that we agree."

***snicker***

"-but if the Boss wants to preserve organic life, should we, I don't know, just come in and destroy any synthetics that get out of hand? I mean, we could totally do that, couldn't we?"

"…ummm, Steve, want to handle this one?"

"Huh… you know what? The kid is actually making some sense- hey! I see you moving your armies! I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!"

"Crud. But my argument stands. The Boss's logic doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you think about it."

"No, no it doesn't…"

~FIN~


End file.
